If At First...

Last year in January, I ate vegan from January to March. Then I ate a cheeseburger on my birthday and it was all downhill from there.

My head wants to be a vegan, but my mouth wants turkey on Thanksgiving and I wrestle with that on a regular basis. Right now I am gathering recipes, tips and various resources and plan to try again after the holidays. I would start now, but I know the parties that are approaching and I know my friends are Meat-O-Sauruses and I don't want to just eat carrots sticks at our holiday festivities.

Perhaps by next Christmas my resolve will be firmer. Or, perhaps I will stop being a totalitarian and instead ease myself into becoming a responsible occasional carnovore. Right now my aim is to eat vegan 80% of the time, but allow myself the birthday burger and Christmas ham.

My long term goal is to change my thinking. I want to not want meat. I want to be above the temptation. Right now, I'm not there. But I read a quote today that hurt my heart and reminded me what a hypocrite I am...

"That the farmer and customers are “thankful” means absolutely nothing to the birds whom they kill"

Ouch. Mind you, I'm still going to eat the turkey leftovers, no reason for the bird to die in vain, but next year I'll do my best not to buy one even when they only cost $3.50.

The Mentalist

It turns out, I can trick myself.

For instance, if I am craving bacon, I can put a couple of strips of MorningStar Farms fake bacon in the microwave and if there is something on my plate that is crunchy and tastes like bacon, I am content.

I think I actually prefer it to real bacon now because it's not greasy and always tastes bacon-a-licious.

I also have come to enjoy the MorningStar Farms sausage crumbles and have used them on pizza and in my spaghetti sauce with great results. They taste like sausage and have the texture of meat. Again, works for me. I was afraid to even put some of these products into my mouth at first and braced myself assuming I would gag at first bite, but, an unfounded fear.

Example: my husband always happily ate the vegetarian BBQ ribs, and I thought he must have gone loopy from all the tofu over the years. I had images of something even nastier than a McRib. But I got brave and tried these, too and found them enjoyable. They have a meaty texture and the flavor is nice - nothing scary here.

I don't want this post to sound like a commercial for MorningStar Farms, but what can I say? They make yummy fake meat. Like their Maple (fake) Sausage Patties. Mmmm.

I am at the stage now where the novelty has worn off a bit and I want to eat "normal" food again, but I'm aiming at a new normal. Thus, it's comforting to know if I have a taste for a burger or a piece of bacon, there is a substitue out there that can satisfy my craving and still allows me to live up to the goals I have set myself.

My goals keep growing and changing, which means my aim has become consistently higher.

My initial aim was just to give up meat, but the more I have learned about various aspects of the food industry, the closer I get to believing I need to aim at a full on vegan diet.

I am many steps away from that but each week I make steps and discover the path to where I want to end up. All this research and trying new foods is like a GPS for my stomach. (And my soul.)

Any insights are welcome, so if you're reading this and you're already a vegan; tell me....EVERYTHING.

Food Inc.

I watched 'Food Inc.' on Netflix. Not to sound like Keanu Reeves, but...Whoa. This film really helped me by providing visuals of the concepts I am trying to wrap my mind around. Making a choice to give up eating animals isn't just for me, but for farmers, and the environment and to fight against exploitation of workers, and to keep animals from being horrifically abused and to avoid ingesting weird chemicals and Frankenstein like genetically modified food. It's such a complicated issue. Until I started digging around in it, I had no idea of all the things I should be concerned about.

My problem is now that I know this, I am still struggling with cravings and desires for foods I have eaten for 40+ years. I have a subscription to Vegetarian Times and Clean Eating and a plethora of vegetarian cookbooks. I am being brave and trying recipes I would never have considered trying before.

Like Key Lime Pie made with tofu. This month's VT had a whole meal menu and I made the whole menu, veggie chili, maple cornbread, and for dessert, the aforementioned Key Lime Pie. It looked good in the photo, but I was sure it would be disgusting. After all, it had me throw a lump of tofu in my blender instead of using eggs. But in the interest of actually trying, I made it.

It did not have the texture of classic Key Lime Pie, but the taste was really delightful. No hint of tofu hunks, it blended in smooth and was undetectable. The lime flavor was zesty, and the recipe also called for some Coco Lopez, so a little tropical lilt. The graham cracker crust was homemade with vegan margarine and agave nectar, and also very nice - not that break your teeth kind you get pre-made at the grocery store.

The hardest part for me right now is the time factor. Making everything vegan from scratch takes a lot of time and that's a commodity I am short on. But I'm learning to be creative and hopefully will find some speedy weeknight recipes so I don't cave in and hit the drive-thru in a moment of weakness.

Scrambled, Poached, Over Easy

I love eggs. Deviled, fried with dippy centers, scrambled with ketchup (I know it's gross but my Dad ate them that way when I was a kid and old habits die hard.) On my quest to eat a vegan diet for 21 days (as a launching point to a new healthier and kinder lifestyle) it wasn't the meat that tempted me to fall off the wagon, but a Cheese Omelet.

My husband and I had a lousy week. There was a car accident, trouble at work, torrential rains in our normally sunny San Diego - and so, being foodies, we went to breakfast to cheer ourselves up.

They offered two "weekday specials" -giant mounds of food for $3.99. The first special was meat laden, and included pig in all it's glorious forms; bacon, sausage, ham and pancakes. I wasn't tempted.

Special # 2 was an omelet and pancakes. I ordered it and thoroughly enjoyed the cheese oozing out of my eggs.

Unexpectedly, I regretted it later.

Having seen Jonathan Safran Foer on TV and hearing him talk about the horrendous treatment of chickens. For the past few years I have purchased "organic cage free eggs" and felt that was enough. Jonathan said it wasn't not enough and asked people to dig deeper. I haven't done that yet. And, admittedly, purposefully. I am fairly certain the local greasy spoon diner isn't coughing up $4.00 a dozen for organic cage free eggs so my cheese omelet probably wouldn't be so appetizing if I saw the creepy farm the eggs came from.

Okay, purists, I backslid. What shall be my penance?

Today when tempted to eat eggs again, I instead microwaved some Bob's Red Mill Cream of Wheat. I nuked it too long and it exploded in my microwave. Eggs are less trouble.

However I must admit once I wiped up the mess, the Cream of Wheat with sliced peaches, stevia and vanilla soy milk was sublime.

Vices

I determined in my mind I was going to kick off the New Year right and go cold turkey on all my vices. But I had leftovers and didn't want them to go to waste, (cheap excuse) so I bumped back my start date to Monday, January 11th.

My aim was to give up these things for 21 days: all animal products, meat, dairy and eggs. All sugar and artificial sweeteners. All caffeine. All booze. All processed foods. I would eat only fresh fruit, vegetables, whole grains, legumes, nuts, and water to drink.

Basically an overly strict vegan diet, for detox purposes both physical and spiritual.

By the end of Monday, I felt like a junkie coming off of crack. I had shakes, I was lightheaded. I had a headache that felt like Uncle Fester looked on the Addams Family when he screwed his head into a vice. I thought my head would burst and ooze out any remaining brains I had left.

I caved and had a glass of iced tea to drink. I needed the caffeine, and decided I was trying to break too many bad habits at once. I have never really learned to "pace myself." But I am only using Sweet Leaf Stevia to sweeten things, which is legal as it's only smashed up leaves, so I only broke one of the list of rules I made for myself. Not bad for me. See, I have lied to myself so many times, I barely trust me.

I made wheat pasta for dinner, and instead of using jarred sauce, I put my new Christmas juicer to work and juiced Roma tomatoes, green and red peppers, a couple of carrots, a clove of garlic and a lime for fun because one recipe said to and it sounded good.

I took the juice and poured it in my crock pot and added the pulp left behind from the juice maker with all the chunks of whole veggies. I added oregano, basil, parsley, salt and pepper. I let it cook all day. I mixed it with the pasta and let the flavors mingle for awhile.

I normally like pasta with lots of butter and cheese. (Which explains why I have lost my girlish figure... :) I wasn't sure if I could eat pasta and sauce with no cheese, but when I tasted it, it was phenomenal. I could taste every flavor of every spice and veggie without being overwhelmed by the cheese. Hooray for me.

I made a large pot of Irish oatmeal in my rice cooker the night before so I would be ready for morning. I put in raisins, apples, cinnamon and vanilla. In the morning, I warmed it in the microwave and put some organic soy milk and stevia on it. Also, better than I expected. I was sure it would be horrible and bland without a mound of brown sugar and butter, but the soy milk was very creamy and yummy.

I have maintained a vegan diet all week, all meals, no slips. I did however have iced tea, and a glass of red wine under extremely understandable circumstances. But food wise, I am still pure.

At not quite one week in to my 3 week goal, I have lost 5 pounds in 5 days. I feel better. I haven't had to take my acid reflux prescription drugs. My hair is shiny. (But I have to pee constantly. Win some, lose some.)

Does all this mean I am not craving a big juicy cheeseburger? Nope. Not yet.

Eating Animals. Or Not Eating Animals

Note that it's been awhile since I posted. That is because I spent the time from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day breaking all my promises to myself. Seriously - Christmas without ham? New Year's without Pork and Sauerkraut? I couldn't imagine that, so I ate pig like there was no tomorrow.

I bought Jonathan Safran Foer's book Eating Animals back when he was first on Ellen. And I bought Alicia Silverstone's "The Kind Diet" at the same time.

I hid them under furniture to avoid seeing them until after the holidays were over. I didn't want to learn the things they wanted to teach me, because that would make me accountable for those things and I chose to remain blissfully ignorant a little while longer.

But the holidays are over and all my excuses are gone. My husband bought me a juicer for Christmas, so I have an easy way to boost my consumption of fruits and vegetables. I went shopping yesterday and stocked up on fruits, vegetables, whole grains, pasta, soy milk and didn't but a single piece of meat. Progress. I'm going to start reading my books again and take to heart the messages contained within.

I can't promise I won't stumble, but I can promise I will get back up and try again each day to make right choices.